My mind 0.1

Have you ever sat down like I do right know and thought of what is and has happened to you lately.

6 months is nothing and yet so much, it can turn your world upside down. Colours come and go, this years fashion is not last years and all happens in a flash.

For me there is blue, a colour always near always there, it fills you from inside and tells you a story, a story connected with senses, with trembles, with ache, with the brightest light and darkest corners. All to clarify lots about your heart about colours.

How a glance, a hidden stroke, a cheeky smile has grown to pink and blue.

At 36 years of age I come to a point that I’m at verge of a new era, a new career, and end of a great love and the start of a new one, if possible. Never take anything for granted as green is green and not brighter or better at the other side. In this time I came to ease with azzurri, unknown to many and known to those who need it.

Having a new feeling, that breaks loose from all you know, that feels great in every cell, how can that be wrong, when it is pure magic, a pure connection, pure.

Writing this down with no attention to what I wrote at the beginning, no attention to making sense, I just write what is in my head. I know I want to be myself, give all of me to whom I want, let people see pink, the true pink, the chains come of, I free that colour, to take my loved ones with me.

A mother a friend, but no more a lover, though gorgeous, caring at times and supportive for many times, I owe her honesty, I owe her a chance for happiness. As for now, I love my bright yellows and her as part of it.

Wondering if I have an orange issue, will I ever have enough will I ever be satisfied, will I ever be normal? Or is this who I am? Is it me? Is it the xrated things from puberty is it part of my mind, is it a way to compensate? But compensate what, having children, having love, having all, why is it not enough, why does it not make me happy, why can’t I make it enough to be happy. To be me?

The mind, soul and heart is what is called religion or god to some. As it is an excuse to live, to do things, to sin. I have found what I want to feel like, want to live like, but is it fair, fair to my young yellow, to my summer?

Or is it just being selfish? Is it wrong to want something for yourself? Or is that a luxury that went away when I became a dad? A husband?

I love this pure writing, the ideas from my head made clear, all black and white, showing the rainbow of thoughts the rainbow of questions…

Not making sense and in the process making all the sense of the world, just sitting here, on a chair, in the sun, pink, white and the lack of blue.

The blue though, is always there, in a feeling, in a sky, with the sun, hidden behind clouds, though always there.

To love or not to love
To give and not receive
To be and not be me
To have blue
To have pink
But wanting purple
With yellow
Is how I feel

Blue you are always there always here and is truly amazing xxx